The prospective BT should put hesitation aside. If he makes a wrong choice, and later realizes that he did so, what is to stop him from making the right choice at that time? Who says you only get one shot at being a good Jew? Some folks have spent all their lives trying to be good Jews, and frankly admit that they are still trying. Which, I think, is the point. Trying is a lifetime commitment – the colour of one’s kippah does not determine one’s worth.

He should, as Rebbe Nachman advises, joyfully accept the challenge and forge bravely forward, overcoming all obstacles put in his path by the yetzer ha ra.

Im orthodox and am so comfortable living amongst such a wide range of jews and rabbanim. I neither cringe at the sound of Rav Elyashivs shlitas name nor at the sound of Rav Ahron Lichtenstein shlitas, they are both tremendous gdolei olam and yirei shamayim, I should only reach their ankles. I realize that no “system” has proven itself for someone who is not working constantly to notice areas to improve, each system has its challenges which has to be compensated for and worked on through self chinuch, otherwise avodat hashem wouldn’t be an avoda it would be a train ticket. Each system being more or less challenging for different people. When I bring up my children I evaluate which challenges I will be able to overcome with my own chinuch.(with the full awareness of the reality which the “baal tshuva” might not yet realize that there are more than enough exceptions to the stereotypes on both sides that you really wont feel uncomfortable as a learned and observant person living in a MO community or as a menshlich open minded person living in a yishivish community) I’m personally pretty optimistic at the general trends and growing opportunities in both communities for growth. Try to picture the perfect society one which is openminded and protected, involved with the world and unaffected by it. You cant create that with a system, only with hard work; either by trying to become openmided in a protected world or to become more protective in an open world. both of those are the exact options which we have. Enjoy it’s a wonderful growing and challenging jewish world, as long as you think.

I am so happy to see you on the internet posting. I have looked up to you for a great long while. As a sometimes visitor to Beth Jacob and Rabbi Silverman’s beginners minyan (I live 5 hours from Atlanta), and a reader of your books, I myself am waiting to become orthodox (just as soon as my gentile hubby decides to convert with me).

I would be delighted to hear what you finally tell your BT friend. Me, I would tell him to go MO, but not a tiny-kippot-wearing MO. There are great examples of MO people with huge black velvet kippot, who say a bracha when partaking of a cookie crumb, but who can relate to the rest of the world with joy.

My hubby has been scared off by the charedi when visiting their neighborhoods in Fairfax. They were unfriendly, cold, and self-absorbed, he says. Is this the fishbowl HaSh-m wanted us to be? Who would join such a group? How can the Jews lead the way if they close themselves off entirely from the world?

Now I am not advocating that this man become Conservative, but I will say that I have been told frequently that I know a surprising amount for a Conservative Jew which is really nothing more than a back handed compliment.

To me this is all part of the problem of tolerance within our community as a whole, not just Reform, Conservative or Orthodoxy, but Jews in general.

We must find a way to stand together or we will find ourselves standing alone.

That being said I would advise the man to try and make a list of pros and cons and then analyze that to see if it provides more insight into where and what he wants to be. Good Shabbos to all.

Those are not chumros. Honest income taxes are a chiyuv. The other things are merely your desiderata.

When did “chumra” start pertaining exclusively to how much matza one eats. A wise man once remarked, “It’s not that Charedi have all of the chumrot and MO all of the kulot. Rather, Charedim have a tendency toward chumra in Orach Chaim and Yoreh Deah and toward kulah in Choshen Mishpat, whereas the reverse is the case in the MO world.”

And a more fundamental issue: What the heck is this, color war? Since when must my religious world be determined by synagogue or political affiliation. Didn’t all 3 million Jews at Sinai hear something else? Do we all need to label ourselves as being on one ‘team’ or the other? Does your BT friend need to make a ‘choice’, or can he just observe that he doesn’t fit either of the 2 major trends within Orthodoxy, become confortable on his lonely path toward God, and quit try to shoehorn himself into one camp or the other.